I’ve come to the conclusion that my husband’s sexual kink is not actually approximately me sleeping with other men. I’m just the means to that end & a pawn to control in order to obtain what he craves. I KNOW that he does not crave me, personally, & does not obtain aroused by just being with me. He believes he should & tries valiantly! Every Saturday morning he takes a Viagra & then lays on his back while I do a few gyrations that usually end in mutual masturbation. And that’s it for a week. Pretty dull for both of us.

Now we both know that if I allude to being unfaithful, say I agree to text that man I slept with one time, or talk approximately huge cocks I have had or even better, will go get, his arousal deepens & his orgasms are much more intense & reflect genuine desire. So I, wanting to experience his desire & disappointed that I alone don’t arouse it in him, trade my dignity to bring this out of him. I pretend I have this power, when actually I’m agreeing to being used & controlled.

When I probe more, flirt outside of Saturday morning obligatory sex, say, encourage him to butt plug me for a day (I obtain no response) yet if I say I want his cock locked in its cage, he responds with, “interested, yet you know I will want more.”

So now I will name this ‘more’, & again, it’s not approximately me having sex with other men & then going home to tell him approximately it. His kink is being ‘forced’ to be the secondary male, the one left out, humiliated & scorned. ‘Forced’ to watch his wife obtain ravished & ‘forced’ to call the man ‘sir’ & even ordered to suck his cock & THANK him for doing to her (not for her!) what he cannot or will not.

This is what it is. This is the scenario we revolve around. My husband would like to believe he is ‘submissive’ when in fact, he is very specific & very manipulative & very controlling in this sexual roller coaster.

He serves me up bland, tedious limp noodle sex, has no real passion or arousal for just me, (and knows I will eventually obtain frustrated) yet is a very kind, loving, supportive PROVIDER in every sense of the word, except sexual. He withholds that part, unconsciously I’m sure, yet it is very clear to me. And he would vehemently deny this if the topic were broached & bellow approximately stress at work, how complex he tries, gives all he’s got…etc. I know this, because I can clearly see him. I have defined & named this mess.

And yet, what approximately me? What approximately what I want sexually? He has never asked & I’m pretty sure he doesn’t want to know, unless it fits in with his kinky desire for us (key word, us) to be ‘owned’ by a dominate male.

I’ve pretended, & sometimes convinced myself that fucking other men is a satisfactory solution, & I even went so far as to do that once. I wanted then what I want now: to be desired & to produce an arousal for just being me.

But that didn’t fit into Cuckyboy’s Master Plan! It was not enough for me to obtain what I’ve been missing & been deprived of! It was not enough until we had his cock locked & shaved, panties on him & a real live alpha male barking orders at him via email & text messages!

Then, when the liaison was all lined up & we 3 were going to meet: sex for me & humiliation for the ‘submissive’ one, he tricked me! He meekly asked if I could let his cock out just for overnight, since it was so swollen from being excited for hours. I agreed, then let him masturbate & come.

That one orgasm changed him from simpering pantied eager-to-please cock-sucking cuckold, to a belligerent, loudmouthed, arrogant, selfish & downright rude individual I almost didn’t recognise as the man I married! (The cuckold in panties was not the man I married, either, yet at least I had his desire, attention & the promise of getting fucked properly! And the illusion that I was in control! Ha!)

Weird shit, & a bit scary, I might add. So I shut down the whole operation & we went back to bland, mutual masturbation.

Deep down I resent this, because I feel frustrated, used & manipulated at every angle. I can’t fucking win! He doesn’t ask what I want not because he doesn’t care, it’s because he DOES know, on a level he won’t/can’t access. If he acknowledges what healthy sex is, he would have to alter & that is just not what he wants at all. I obtain this.

I’ve named it, now I must ACCEPT it & hand it over to a higher power because I’m not sure WHAT I have the courage to alter & so my WISDOM falters when I am lonely, frustrated & feel cornered. It’s like a nightmare chess game, where I am constantly either in check or checkmate.